You know, I never used to be afraid of much. I was a rowdy teenager with not a care in the world. I would smoke and drink and drive and do all kinds of things bad for myself and others. I'm not sure what changed for me but something definitely did. I suddenly started caring... About myself, the people around me, about karma. I have horrible car anxiety. It's unexplainable really, because I haven't been in any accidents or lost anyone from a horrible car accident. I like to be the driver because then I know I'm in control. I get very anxious if anyone else is driving, I despise the winter weather and I refuse to drive in the mountains. I'm not sure what it is or what happened, but that is what I've turned into.
I think a lot of it has to do with my fear of losing someone I love. My parents, brother, sister, husband or (god-forbid) my children. I've seen people go through the heart ache of losing someone close to them. I've yet to have to experience it... And I never want to. Although realistically I will eventually. I wouldn't be able to live without my babies or husband. What will I do without my mom? I haven't had the time I need with my father, yet. And no one expects their siblings to pass away until you are old and wrinkly together. I'm a strong person and I'm often everyone's go-to. But if I were to lose someone close to me, how could I cope and be strong for everyone involved? So this is my biggest fear, one I know I'll have to face one day. I pray everyday it isn't anytime soon.
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